Breaking Chains: Leaving Domestic Abuse
A Step-by-Step Guide to Safely Escaping, Legally Protecting Yourself, and Starting Over"
Finding Safety: Leaving Domestic Abuse
The decision to leave an abusive relationship is often the hardest step. If you're reading this, you may be considering that step, or perhaps you're trying to help someone who is. Either way, know this: there is a path forward, and you are not alone.
A Quick Note….
This guide was created primarily for those in marriages or common law marriage situations where legal and financial entanglements make leaving especially complicated.
However, the safety strategies, escape planning, and emotional support offered here apply to anyone trapped in a volatile, abusive relationship—whether dating, engaged, living together, or legally married.
Abuse doesn't discriminate, and neither should resources for escaping it. While some sections focus on divorce proceedings and marital assets, the core safety planning principles remain valuable regardless of your relationship status.
If you're experiencing abuse in any form of relationship, this information can help you find your way to safety.
First Steps: Safety Planning
Safety must come first. A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that helps you prepare for leaving safely.
Financial Preparation
Access to funds is crucial: In many states, you are legally permitted to withdraw reasonable amounts from joint accounts to pay for:
Attorney fees
Basic living expenses for yourself and children
Temporary housing
Transportation costs
Even if you did not earn the money, you typically have legal access to marital funds for necessary expenses
Keep detailed records: Document every withdrawal and expense
Save all receipts
Create a spreadsheet tracking dates, amounts, and purposes
Take photos of receipts and store them securely
Consult your attorney: If possible, speak with a lawyer before making significant withdrawals
They can advise on what's considered reasonable in your jurisdiction
They can help you avoid actions that might be viewed negatively by the court
Open your own account: At a different bank from any joint accounts
Use a P.O. box or trusted address for statements
Opt for paperless statements when possible
Consider emergency credit: Apply for a credit card in your name only before leaving
Digital Safety Measures
Secure your devices: Use passwords your abuser cannot guess and change them regularly
Check for tracking apps: Have a trusted professional check your phone for spyware or tracking apps
Create new accounts: Set up email and cloud storage accounts your abuser doesn't know about
Use incognito browsing: When researching resources, use private browsing and clear your history afterward
Pause social media activity: Avoid posting about your plans, location, or activities on social media
Consider a social media blackout: During and immediately after leaving, consider deactivating accounts temporarily
Be cautious with location services: Disable location tracking on apps and devices when possible
Install recording apps: Have a reliable call recording app on your phone to document threats or admissions
Check your state's laws on one-party vs. two-party consent for recordings
Some apps can be set to automatically record all calls from specific numbers
Home security cameras: If safe to do so, consider installing cameras that upload to the cloud
Hide cameras or disguise them as everyday objects if necessary
Ensure footage is stored where your abuser cannot access or delete it
Vehicle tracking devices: Abusers frequently hide GPS trackers on vehicles to monitor movements
Have your car professionally checked for tracking devices, focusing on the undercarriage, wheel wells, inside bumpers, and under the dashboard
Look for small black boxes with magnets that don't belong with the vehicle's original components
Some trackers require battery changes, so check for signs of tampering or unfamiliar devices that may have been recently handled
Consider regularly checking your vehicle before critical appointments like legal consultations or shelter visits
Where to Get Help With Device Security
If you suspect your devices or vehicle are being monitored, several resources can help:
For phone and computer security:
Domestic violence organizations often partner with tech specialists who can check devices safely
Some cell phone stores offer courtesy checks for tracking apps (call ahead anonymously to ask)
Computer repair shops can scan for monitoring software (choose one unknown to your abuser)
Some public libraries offer technology assistance programs that include privacy checks
The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) Tech Safety program offers resources and referrals
For vehicle tracking detection:
Auto repair shops or mechanics can inspect for tracking devices during routine maintenance
Car detailing businesses often offer sweep services specifically for GPS trackers
Some domestic violence shelters have relationships with trusted mechanics who offer discreet checking services
Private investigators specialize in counter-surveillance and can thoroughly inspect vehicles
Some police departments offer courtesy checks for stalking victims (call the non-emergency line to inquire)
Important safety notes:
Never use your home Wi-Fi to research these services
If possible, call from a safe phone your abuser doesn't have access to
Consider having a friend make the appointments in their name
If a device is found, consider leaving it in place temporarily while you finalize your safety plan (removing it immediately may alert your abuser)
Before You Leave:
Pack an emergency bag: Keep it hidden or with a trusted friend/family member. Include:
Important documents (birth certificates, Social Security cards, immigration papers, marriage license, driver's license)
Medication
Cash, credit cards, bank information
Keys (house, car)
Change of clothes
Children's essential items
A prepaid phone (if your abuser monitors your current phone)
Irreplaceable items (photos, jewelry with sentimental value)
Document the abuse: Keep a journal in a safe place or email records to yourself at an account your abuser doesn't know about. Note dates, times, and descriptions of incidents. Take photos of injuries or property damage.
Secretly document marital assets: This is crucial for your financial protection during divorce proceedings.
Discreetly take photos of all valuable items in your home (jewelry, art, electronics, vehicles)
Photograph financial documents or take quick photos of open computer screens showing account information
Take photos of mail/envelopes from financial institutions, even if you don't have access to open them
Document anything suggesting hidden assets: correspondence about investments, property, businesses
Photograph tax returns, pay stubs, bank statements, retirement accounts, and insurance policies
Take pictures of vehicle title and registrations and property deeds
Send these photos to a secure email account your abuser cannot access or store them in a password-protected cloud account
Remember: Taking photos of documents is sufficient—you don't need to take the originals, which might alert your abuser. Make sure the photos are in focus and readable
If possible, take photos that include date stamps or other time identifiers
Create a code word: Establish a word or phrase you can text to trusted friends or family that signals you need immediate help.
Plan your exit time carefully: Leave when the abuser is not home, if possible. Have transportation arranged.
Know where you'll go: Research shelters, contact friends or family, or arrange temporary housing before leaving.
Getting Professional Help
Contact a Domestic Violence Advocate
Domestic violence advocates are trained professionals who can help you navigate this complex situation.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788
They provide 24/7 crisis support, safety planning, and connections to local resources
Legal Protection
Consult with an attorney who specializes in domestic violence cases. Many offer free or low cost initial consultations, and legal aid organizations can provide services at reduced cost or for free but know that their space may be limited.
An attorney can help you:
File for a protective order
Understand your rights regarding children, property, and finances
Navigate the divorce process safely
Address immigration concerns if applicable
Determine if you qualify for legal fee assistance
Understanding Protective Orders: A protective order (also called a restraining order or order of protection) is a crucial legal tool, but it's important to understand its limitations and benefits:
It is a legal document, not a physical barrier—it cannot physically prevent an abuser from approaching you
What it does do: makes contact illegal and gives law enforcement immediate authority to arrest the violator
Violations of protective orders are typically treated seriously by courts and can result in jail time
Keep copies of your order accessible at all times and provide copies to your workplace, children's schools, and trusted neighbors
Some jurisdictions offer enhanced monitoring for high-risk protective orders, including GPS tracking in certain cases
Consider supplementing the order with additional safety measures (security systems, changed locks, varied routines)
Important legal insights:
Many states have laws requiring abusers to pay attorney fees for both parties in domestic violence cases
Some jurisdictions offer expedited divorce proceedings in cases involving documented abuse
Courts can order temporary support during separation to ensure financial stability
Asset protection orders can prevent an abuser from liquidating shared assets
In many states, documented abuse significantly impacts custody determinations
Do not tell your abuser you're planning to see an attorney. This information could escalate the abuse.
Involving Law Enforcement
When to Call the Police
During an active assault or threat
When you fear for your immediate safety
When you need documentation of abuse for court proceedings
When you need protection while gathering belongings to leave
What to Expect
Request that officers file a report and get the report number
Ask for the responding officers' names and badge numbers
Be specific about what happened, including threats made
Show any evidence of physical abuse
Request transport to a hospital if needed
Ask about victim advocate services through the police department
If Children Are Involved
Your children's safety is paramount, and appropriate agencies may become involved.
Child Protective Services/Department of Human Services
These agencies' primary goal is to keep children safe
They can provide resources to help you protect your children
They may investigate if abuse is reported
They can connect you with parenting resources, therapy for children, and other support
Custody Considerations
Document any abuse directed at the children
Document any instances of children witnessing abuse
Work with your attorney on a custody plan that prioritizes safety
Consider supervised visitation if appropriate
Weathering Manipulation Tactics
When They Say "I've Changed"
The cycle of abuse often includes periods of apparent remorse. Your abuser may:
Apologize profusely and seem genuinely sorry
Promise to change or attend counseling
Shower you with gifts or affection
Claim they "can't live without you"
Present themselves as the victim
Remember: If this pattern has occurred before, it will likely happen again. True change requires:
Consistent behavior modification over a long period
Full accountability without excuses or victim-blaming
Respect for your boundaries, including if you choose to leave
Professional intervention and therapy
Demonstrated change, not just promises
Consider keeping a journal documenting past promises and their outcomes. When you feel tempted to return, review this record to ground yourself in reality.
Handling Interference from the Abuser's Family and Friends
The abuser's family and social circle may:
Contact you repeatedly to "work things out"
Minimize the abuse ("It wasn't that bad")
Blame you ("You triggered him/her")
Offer financial incentives to return
Use children as leverage
Make threats or spread rumors
Protecting yourself:
Set clear boundaries about contact
Document all communication
Block numbers and social media if necessary
Consider having a friend screen messages
Inform your attorney of harassment or intimidation
Request that all communication go through your attorney
Remember that their loyalty is to the abuser, not to your wellbein
g
The Aftermath: Rebuilding Your Life
Financial Independence
Open your own bank account
Establish your own credit
Connect with job training programs if needed
Apply for temporary assistance if eligible
Emotional Healing
Find a therapist experienced in trauma and abuse
Consider support groups with others who understand
Be patient with yourself – healing isn't linear
Recognize that trauma responses are normal
Creating New Safety Measures
Change your routines
Consider changing locks, phone numbers, and passwords
Review privacy settings on social media
Inform trusted coworkers or supervisors about the situation
Consider applying for address confidentiality programs in your state
Remember This Truth
Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. This isn't meant to discourage you, but to emphasize the importance of careful planning and professional support.
The courage it takes to leave cannot be overstated. Each step may feel overwhelming, but you don't have to take them all at once, and you don't have to take them alone.
You didn't cause this abuse. You couldn't control it. But you can make choices now that lead toward safety and healing.
There is life after abuse – a life where you can breathe freely, make your own choices, and rediscover the person you were meant to be.
You are worth fighting for. Start today.
A Personal Plea
If you're in an abusive relationship right now, please hear me: This is not your fault. You deserve safety, respect, and peace. The fear you feel is real, and so is the hope for something better.
I know leaving seems impossible. Abusers work hard to make you believe you can't survive without them—emotionally, financially, or physically. They isolate you from support systems and chip away at your confidence until staying seems safer than leaving.
But I need you to know something: people do leave, and they rebuild their lives. The path isn't easy, but thousands walk it every year. You can be one of them.
Your instincts telling you something is wrong are valid. Trust them. The voice inside saying you deserve better is right. Listen to it.
Note: This article provides general information and is not a substitute for personalized advice from qualified professionals. Every situation is unique, and safety planning should be tailored to your specific circumstances.
Resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: www.ncadv.org
WomensLaw.org: Legal information and resources
National Center for Victims of Crime: www.victimsofcrime.org